TRANSFORMING
LOSS THROUGH IMPROVISED
MUSIC
"Music expresses
that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain
silent." Victor Hugo
The loss
of a beloved spouse or partner challenges us to live through one
of the most painful experience of our lives. The seemingly unbearable
intensity of pain, the profound alienation and the loss of self-esteem
are states that are all the more difficult to endure as we long
for support from the very person we are mourning.
Music is
a powerfully expressive and life-affirming force which exists
in all of us. As a musician and psychotherapist, I have been able
to make use of these qualities in music to help my clients and
myself heal from loss and re-connect to life. To access this non-verbal
world, I improvise with my clients on a wide variety of easy-to-play
instruments that vary in timbre, size, shape and which can be
blown, shaken, beaten, strummed and bowed. Together we create
sound pictures that reflect the client's landscape of subjective
experience. I tape these soundscapes and play them back to the
client so she can actually hear what is going on inside. No musical
training or background is necessary as together we create music
that is based on rhythm, instrumental colour and melody rather
than traditional classical harmony. For example, clients who have
never played the piano before find it responsive and resonant,
and are easily able to produce booming clusters of sound or simple
but poignant melodies. As a professional cellist, improvisor and
composer I am able to provide musical support, encourage and empathy
in my accompaniment.
Through music,
we can connect to our inner experience, express it, share it and
eventually transform it. Connecting to feelings which often seem
frightening and overwhelming can be difficult in the beginning
stages of the grieving process. However, the process can be eased
by allowing the instruments to speak for us. For example a drum
can contain our rage, a piano our pain and a xylophone our fear
and anxiety.
For others,
a self-protective deadening takes hold. In order to heal, we have
to get beneath the denial, contact our feelings and give them
voice. Because music can sound the way we feel, its emotional
force can (reduce/diminish) melt our barriers and ease us into
a feeling place.
Sometimes
buried feelings come out in the music that we haven't really been
conscious of. Conflicting layers of feelings accompany our sadness
such as anger, fear, anxiety, frustration and guilt. A client
may come into a session aware only of her sadness but when she
plays that sadness, she discovers she is also very frightened.
Acceptance
and integration (explain)--important stages of the healing process--
come with the expression of the full range of feelings. Feelings
in a musical form can seem easier to accept as a valuable part
of us. For example, one client disliked her anger and didn't want
to own it. After playing it out on a steel drum while I accompanied
her on the piano, she could hear positive qualities in that anger
and began to embrace it. Once the many different feelings have
been accepted, they can be brought together to create an integral
whole.
Music accesses
the pre-verbal, non-verbal [without linguistic equivalent], unconscious,
and supra-verbal [or spiritual] domains. Once we have given physical
musical expression to these non-verbal parts of our grief and
experienced some cathartic release, we can then use words to process
our feelings for further integration.
Despite the
inherent privacy of grief, sharing its burden is an essential
aspect of surviving loss. When I co-create music with my clients
I can stay attuned to them from moment-to-moment. Music is so
immediate, so in the moment, unlike the distancing that can occur
with words. Clients report feeling understood and supported in
their struggle -less alone- when I play with them.
In the many
different music groups for women that I have facilitated, I have
found that when a group of women comes together to make music,
a powerful sense of community emerges. Each woman is heard, individually
and as part of a collective. As a result, alienation and isolation
diminishes and self esteem is enhanced/strengthened. This occurs
partly in the playback as women are amazed to hear the remarkable
music they have created. Transforming our grief is facilitated
by the musical process which allows us to move through various
feeling states. For example, one of my clients was initially able
to express her anger on a steel drum. As her anger subsided she
moved into her sadness.. She expressed this sadness on a slide
whistle and gradually moved into a peaceful state represented
on the autoharp.
It is satisfying
to transform seemingly unwanted and ugly feelings into creations
of music. Self esteem is enhanced as clients rediscover their
creativity while making music. Tapping into this inner resource
connects us to an inner vitality and helps us become aware of
new possibilities as we struggle to rebuild our life.
When I was
recovering from the trauma of loss, I found solace in music. Its
richness and majesty encouraged me to seek a deeper meaning in
life -one not connected to a material reality. I was able to discover
a larger context in which to situate my loss and a way wherein
I could stay connected in spirit with the one I had loved.
It is fulfilling
to be able to share this resource with other women.
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